Knowing my whole life story, people may consider it as drama alike. But, sometimes the things that didnt go under control and prediction happen in others life. Like mine, so many things had happened in my life. Begin from a non rich family, life seems harder for us to pass day by day. Another things come and go as the way they are, the hard things that came to our life may teach lessons but also leave scars. Too many things I got to learn for being the oldest kid of the family, I am getting pressed for being the good example of my brothers but yea I'm not fully grown in a good way. I'm a grown up lady with scars everywhere, scars from the past, including family background and story which I can't tell it easy to anybody, scars from my accident in the past that ruined my body, life spirit (one day in my life I asked to die instead of living with the condition I didnt want) and beauty hohoho (I still can't believe my life is tiring and thrilled like a drama).
Things don't go as the way we want, they're sometimes troll our fate. Like mine, hahaha, I wanted this and that, but the reality came far from my expectations. You have a dream, try hard and achieve it!It's good If you can get the school you want, as you've wanted it since a kid. But, again I dont know why it's a loss I got no chance to enter the school I'm always craving for. It's good If you have money, just pay more than others and you can get what you want. Hahaha Medical school that I really wanna attend. Again, money can play roles but I have to swallow another bitter pill in my life. But then I get the chance to study in a college I never imagine, STAN. People say it will help me reduce heavy burdens in my parents shoulder, so I went there. Until the graduation, three years I've spent I never felt I belong in there. I'm not familiar with stuffs like accounting, tax and others. But, I pushed myself to stay, I gathered the will to stay. I enjoyed the livings, the society, my friends, college life that was the best, the activities I had back then. I have to say I'm grateful for this. But, yet I am still human who never feel satisfied. The thing is, I always look for some ways not to stay at home. I will get stuck, scumbag me will make me only live as half human at home, I'll be useless and I dont want it. As I come to realize that I still have long way to fight for my family, I have to use my time for doing many things. I search for the way I can continue my study after getting hired in Ministry of Finance. I dont wanna be a scumbag.
Another suck thing in my life that never goes right is my loveline, I never get the chance even one to get a normal lovestory. I have a trauma, I have it once in my lifetime. Getting backstabbed and left behind, I was just a kid. I dont wanna remember it. If it's not a jerk, then it's a different beliefs love story. I dont know why, when can I find the right person. I never know why. There is a reason for every happening, like mine.. When I get close to the person I want, then I ruin it I dont know how then I'm left behind. Or maybe when I get the chance, my fear comes taking my mind over.
"I'm not a girl that everyone want like before, I'm not beautiful, I'm just a mess. I can never get married to any good man. Who the hell will ever want me? I will grow old alone, having my own life." Then my scumbag brain ruins my lovestory just like that, I walk away from the guy I really want, just like that my fear takes over my head several times. So stupid but its okay since I'm all alone now HAHA
Even my father gave me advices, God creates humans with their own pair. You'll get one. Just believe in faith, all's fair in God hands. And sometimes I believe, sometimes I dont. I don't know why, I still get difficulties in settling my mind in peace. I never feel it at ease. So many times, the condition is just like " I'm comfortable being with you. But, I just consider you as a friend." And I'm just like, hzzz a friend, my ass!!. I dont even want you,dude. And I'm just like arrgggh I dont need a man I think. I wonder, several years from now. Who will I get married to? What kind of life I will have while now I'm still hitting the bottom of life?
Life is fuckin' misterious for me. Like a wheel, now I'm in my bottom but who knows for next? I will be on top maybe. I will achieve my succes and get married happily, it can happen someday. Hahaha Let's see how destiny can change me.
Regards,
Anggi :")
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